Silver Linings

Patrick has been home for 3 weeks - dramatically increasing our food budget and wreaking havoc with my daily routines.  I've loved (almost) every minute.  When we sent him off last February, I struggled with the prospect of not seeing him for 2 years, but we talked on the phone a lot, and I got increasingly used to the idea.  When he was attacked, I had my own version of PTSD that left me with little sleep and on an emotional roller coaster. 

Having him sent home was not what we would ever say we wanted - I wanted his Peace Corps experience to be "life-changing" and a wonderful jump-start to his career in disaster relief.  But seeing him, and talking, and watching dumb TV shows, and working out, and cooking dinners - these were the cure for my PTSD as much as they were the cure for his. 

We'll have to send him off again soon, and it will be just as hard as the first time.  Maybe harder, because we know the dangers and we're now aware of his ambivalence.  It's not a perfect job, or a perfect setting.  He'll struggle and he'll be lonely. And he'll learn from it all - life-changing and sometimes painful lessons.

The silver linings have been wonderful.  From a violent attack, we got - so far - three weeks of Patrick's time, a new appreciation for what he's doing and his goals, and a chance to hang out.  Patrick told me that he has a whole new perspective on the importance of his relationships with friends and family.  He no longer takes them for granted.  It will make it hard for him to go back, facing another 18 months away from the people he loves.  Sigh.  Hard for us, too. 

Safe

Anna's odyssey should end today, when she reaches Northampton MA.  She's been on the road for 2 full weeks, not checking in as often as I'd like, but doing the trip her way and at her pace.  I think she's ready to be done, but I really hope she enjoyed the trip.  Patrick is on an airplane as I write, coming home for a few weeks.  It's been a very rough time since he was mugged, and I'm REALLY looking forward to feeding him and talking to him, and sharing his company while he's here.  Not sure what to expect, but I stocked the refrigerator, made sure he'd have a cell phone to use, and put his mail on his bed. 

By tonight, both kids will be safe at home - Anna with her friends at college, and Patrick with us.  Not really his home anymore, but I hope it will do for a little while. Sleep has been hard for me to come by, and I hope that will be better starting tonight, too.  The weather has changed to fall patterns already, but I don't care.  I'm VERY ready to be done with this summer.

Danger!

In the last few weeks, both kids have been in situations that were extremely dangerous.  The stress was intense.  Parenting from a distance is tricky - I want to help if it's possible to help, but they need to experience and learn their own lessons. Plus, they were thousands of miles away.  Difficult to offer anything except advice from such a distance! So mostly, my job seems to be waiting and watching, and consulting when I can or when they ask.  Not an easy position for me - I'd rather DO SOMETHING! 

I've learned a lot about prayer.  I have favorites that run through my head for hours at a stretch.  When Anna was in Bolivia and dealing with problems, I actually woke up in the middle of the night, and found myself in the middle of  "Breathe on me, breath of God..."  Had it been looping through my brain in my sleep?  It's funny, though - the prayers are equally for the health and safety of the kids and for peace in my soul.  Seems like for me to thrive, they have to be OK and I have to be calm. Breathe. Breathe.

Summer

It's so weird to have summer without the kids and their energy. Don't get me wrong - their energy sometimes makes me a little nuts, but having them around for a few weeks seems to mark the season. I'm very much at loose ends, and I don't get anything done.

The kids are off doing cool things and learning a lot, so I really can't complain. Patrick seems to be thriving; Anna is struggling a bit. It's not the first time that I felt like I wasn't able to help her - she's never been as open as Patrick, and she keeps her own counsel. But it is the first time she's been so far away with such limited access to phones, computers, etc. She talks to us when she can, and she texts a lot, but the issues belong to her, the solutions have to be found by her, and she will be stronger by the end of her South American adventure. The thing about "character-building" experiences, however, is that you ALWAYS feel like your character was just fine before, thank you very much. When it's happening, it just feels like pain and hassle. And the mommy in me is NOT happy about her pain. I want to fix it, and I can't. I seem to spend my day repeating prayers for her - for safety, for confidence, for street smarts, and for joy. I want her to be happy. And I want her to come home. Sigh.

Legacy

I don't like interviews where kids talk about their mothers, and what an inspiration they are. "Hardest working" mom I never was. I don't have a fabulous career, no memorable skills. So if my kids were interviewed, what would they say about their mom???

I think my only claim to fame is that I never shut up. They always knew where I stood and what I thought. What a legacy, huh? I used to joke that I wanted them to go off to college hearing me in their heads. I don't know if that actually happened - I do know that they are thoughtful, kind and generous kids, and I really hope that I had some small part in that. Hmmmm. That wouldn't be such a bad legacy, I guess.

Cleaning

So my house is clean again. When I need to deal with something, I clean up the piles of junk and get organized. (And that's especially necessary after Patrick has been home!!) I've talked to him very briefly twice, and Anna has called or texted at least 5 times. And I have a music mix that I play when I miss him. I'll be fine. I miss the access I had to my boy before, but I will be fine! However, Patrick, if you're reading this, update your blog and put in photos!

Waiting

Patrick has told me a number of times that for the last 5 years, or so, he's felt like he was waiting for his life to begin. For school to be complete, for the applications to be processed, for the travel date to arrive. On the road from Houston, he told me that for the first time ever he felt like that uncomfortable limbo-land of waiting was over, and he was ready to go.

Now - just since he walked out the door on the way to the airport with his 94 pounds of luggage - the waiting starts for me. There's no more I can do for him. I wait for phone calls, emails, blogs, and letters. I have a busy full life, so it's not all waiting, but in my relationship with my son, my job is now waiting, not doing. I'll have to get better at it. God speed, Patrick. I'll be here - busy, but waiting.

Patrick's adventure begins

I don't usually cry at leave-taking times, but I did this morning. It will be a long time before I can give my boy a hug again, and even though he's off to a wonderful adventure, I'm unbelievably sad. His bags are too full, he had to leave behind things he really wanted with him, his room (and the rest of the house) is a mess, and I've had too much food and too little sleep for days.

So today I'll clean and put away the mess, and miss him. Already. I'll remember that it's never been my job to clip his wings, and I'll be proud of myself for sending him off. And I'll sing "God be with you 'til we meet again" all day. I'll probably sing it for a long time. I love you to pieces, Patrick. Do good work.

Houston here I come!

I leave tomorrow morning for Houston. I'll help Patrick get his car packed (hopefully with room for both of us left over!) and on Sunday we leave. It's a LONG drive to Seattle, but it will give us the time to talk and to plan the next week's craziness. I always like seeing where my kids land, and neither of them are very good at sending photos, so visits are good. I'll have the day to myself on Saturday, so Patrick and Haley can spend that last day together. Patrick and I will have breakfast together, but after that it will feel good to run and read and maybe shop a little. The main thing I haven't figured out is if he's going to want to stop in time to see the Super Bowl..... We won't get out of Texas if he does!!!

Roller Coasters

I've been going kind of up and down emotionally this week - I'm so happy for Patrick and his adventure, but stressed about the next two weeks getting him ready to go, and worried about missing him. I get teary at times, but can't contain my pride at others. It helps to have a "project" in mind for the coming year... But it's getting close enough that it freaks me out.

Next week I fly to Houston to help him pack his car, and then I'll drive back to Seattle with him. The car ride will be LONG, but the face time with my boy will be wonderful. He'll have a hard time leaving Haley, but once we're underway, he'll be better, I think. Then we have a week to shop, plan, and pack, and distill his life into two bags plus a carry-on. Yikes.

Travel

I just spent a lovely few days with a friend in Phoenix, and had such a good time. It made me realize how important it is to surround myself with people who challenge me to be my best self. We walked a half-marathon, ate well, shopped, and talked non-stop. What could be better?

My next trip will be trickier. I fly to Houston to see Patrick, and then he and I drive back to Redmond with all his worldly possessions. A road trip. We'll have fun, for sure, but it will also be the beginnings of goodbye. My challenge will be to focus on the joy and anticipation of his Peace Corps adventure in spite of my profound sadness at the prospect of his absence. Hmmmm. The foundation of both the joy and the sadness is love. Must remember that!

This is the stage of my life - letting go of what has been my focus for nearly 23 years. Gracefully. Cheerfully. Sigh.